Short summer
by Sugiura-kun
Summary: Sam is a 17-year-old boy who lives a seemingly normal life though he is homosexual. But on the birthday party of a complete stranger, Barry, he has his first sexual experience which will bring changes one by one into his live full of hidden feelings.
1. Short Summer

Short Summer

That year, that is to say just the spring of that year I had turned 17 and somehow that summer I was invited to the birthday party of a guy I'd never even seen in my whole life.

Don't get me wrong, he didn't invite me himself.

It was one of my friends who was playing football in one team with him who took me there.

However, that evening this guy was celebrating his 21st birthday.

I and three other boys went there by car. The guy who was owning the car was Simon, a 19-year-old highschooler who picked me up every morning to drive with him to school.

He also was the guy who was playing in one football team with that guy we were going to meet. Under the four boys in the car was also my best friend Thom who would only turn 17 in winter.

I finally came to know that this guy whose party we were going to join was called Barry.

I really never had heard of any Barry before.

Well, maybe Simon once had told me something about him but I couldn't quite remember anything.

But somehow it didn't feel weird to never having heard of some guy whose party one would be visiting.

I, for my part only knew that I had a very big bag full of bottles of vodka on my lap.

Those years, as long as one was young and energetic everyone wanted to have fun and nothing more.

Suddenly Simon started talking: 'You guys back there, have you ever had a girl?'

Thom and I obviously were the guys "back there".

Thom didn't say anything and I blushed.

'You didn't did ya? I'm sure we'll find some really nice gals for you, then.'

Simon seemed to have known about the purpose of that party of Barry's.

Getting drunk, find yourself a girl and have some fun for the rest of the night.

But I was way too shy to just go over and start talking to one of the girls.

And, honestly I didn't want to either.

I was homosexual.

Yeah, it's true.

So I didn't expect anything of this evening.

We seemed to be quite late.

I mean, not really too late but the house was already crowded and a horribly laughing girl opened the door after we rang.

Bottles and glasses were standing around anywhere.

I found myself a place on a sofa together with Thom.

I didn't want to sit all alone only with strangers, so I searched until there was a possibility to sit next to each other.

We started talking and drinking, and after a while it wasn't so hard to start a talk with someone unknown anymore.

At anytime, Simon came around again, in a pretty good mood, a girl on one arm, just in that moment laughing out loud.

'Hey folks are you doing fine? I don't have to watch over you kiddies have I?'

He started laughing again. Then the two of them turned around and disappeared in the crowd.

Thom looked at me. 'Weird guy, isn't he?' he asked.

I didn't manage to answer because in this moment a pretty huge guy came into our direction.

He stopped in front of us and, friendly smiling asked us: 'And who are you, dudes?'

I got a little nervous, somehow the guy frightened me.

Maybe he would tell us to leave because he didn't know us?

'Er, we are friends of Simon. He plays football with you.' Thom said.

'Aaaaaaaaah!' the guy said way too loud. Several people turned their heads around.

'So you're….hm…Stan und Todd?' He suddenly burped loudly.

'Ehh…not exactly. I don't know of whom he told you, but we're Thom and Sam' I answered.

'Ah, I knew it was something like that! So you're Sam and Thom. Nice to meet you' He said, and gave Thom and me his hand.

Tom leaned back again in his seat and started: 'And who are…' but he was interrupted by the guy.

'Oh, 'm sorry. I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Barry.'

Somehow…I can't really explain it.

Somehow I had imagined Barry just in the way he appeared to us that moment.

Tall, broad shoulders, muscular, short cut hair.

Just that type of man you can best imagine playing football.

But on the other side I totally disliked the way he appeared in.

I'd never liked those football players. They always were the first ones to bully other people.

I hated it.

But he also looked friendly.

Even sexy.

Suddenly Barry turned around, searching for something or someone.

As he found and fixed what he was looking for he started shouting:

'Simon, Simon, my friend! What's up?'

He turned back to Thom and me, saying 'Waiddaminute, alright?' turned back and made his way through the boys and girls dancing up to Simon.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Thom's hand.

I turned my head around towards him and saw that a girl standing next to the sofa had taken his arm. We looked each other in the eye for a second, I started smiling and said: 'Well, have fun then.'

But he stayed serious. 'Don't get too carried away, alright?' Then he stood up and disappeared anywhere.

After he had gone, I felt a little empty.

Around me, everywhere was movement and joy. And I was just sitting alone on that sofa.

But in that moment, Barry was coming back.

He brought two bottles of beer.

'Wanna go outside a bit? Cooling our heads?'

I stood up and followed him, outside into the dark garden.

From the inside the sounds were still well audible. There was music, shouts, screams, laughter, things falling to the ground, slamming doors.

Outside, on the veranda, with light only shining from the inside, these noises suddenly became background for a big orchestra of insects in the velvet night.

I leaned on the railing and stared into the black.

Barry stood next to me on the right hand side. The air was clear and cool, very comfortable in comparison to the temperature and smell in the living room and hall.

With his elbows, Barry too propped himself up on the railing.

He looked to me and our eyes met. He sighed and turned his head up to the sky.

'So, now that we've made friends, tell me a bit about you.' He took a sip from his bottle.

Looking at him while he drank, I saw that the bottle had to be almost empty because he had to raise it highly. When he finally stopped and looked at me, I saw that he was still waiting for an answer.

'Oh, er…I'm…seventeen and…oh I like baseball! Oh, and football, too, of course.'

'You don't have to say that only because Simon told you I play football.'

'Oh no, it's really cool. I wished I had begun anytime too, but I never did. I wish I had some more muscles…just like you.'

Barry sighed and bent to the ground to put down his bottle.

'Don't be sad. Sometimes I wished I hadn't started. Sometimes I wanna be one of those, you know, normal boys. I'm always considered as one of the bad boys. Tall, muscular, a footballer. I'm not that bad of a guy after all.'

I laughed quietly. Somehow he really was a nice guy.

Somehow it even fascinated me how he could talk like that. He really didn't fit into the picture of a normal football-player.

'And what about the girls? You have a girlfriend?' Barry asked into the dark garden.

'Oh no, I'm not so much into…oh, just forget it. I don't have one.' I said unsure.

'Did you just want to say you weren't so much into girls? Dear god…you a queer? Or just a nerd or somethin'?' he said amused.

'Oh my, no of course I am _not_!' I shouted out.

'But you're virgin right? You look like one, really.' he whispered.

For a second I was shocked. Why was it of his business to know if I was a virgin or not?

I somehow found that I hadn't to give an answer to that kind of intimate question to an almost stranger.

'I…' I stopped. What was I going to say?

His face suddenly was close to mine.

'Want me to do you the favour? You want _it_, right? I'll do it for you, little fag.'

I was unable to speak a word for a moment.

What to answer to that proposal of a 21-year-old almost-professional football player?

Was he really asking me to…spend a night with…no, that sounded too romantic.

Was he really asking me to have sex with him?

I couldn't explain this to me other than that he was trying to make a fool out of me.

I tried to suppress a tremble in my voice. I didn't want him to know that I was almost fading of anxiety that very moment.

'Are you…' I bit my lower lip. 'Are you kidding me? Do you want me to believe that shit of yours?'

That was all I was able to say.

He suddenly turned towards me, grabbed my shoulders and pressed his lips on mine.

I couldn't breath. Chills ran through my body when I felt he was about to put his tongue into my mouth.

Suddenly I heard girls' voices coming closer.

He let go of me just in time to beware us of being seen kissing and turned around towards the dark again.

'Come.'

Through the kitchen, then upstairs. No one was around.

He was pushing me forwards, one hand on my left shoulder.

First door on second floor, left hand side. The room was rather tidy, the bed was made.

He didn't turn on the light. Somehow I was relieved about that.

Somehow I didn't want him to see my body. It was something I wanted to spare for the first person to do it with me I was in love with.

I felt fear boiling up within me, but at the same time hot arousal.

He was in front of me, so close I could feel his hot, short breath in my face.

Our lips met. Suddenly I was unable to move any further, only my tongue inside my mouth against his. My head was spinning.

It felt hot and I wanted more of it but at the same time I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forget about this or if it would just be a good memory.

I knew it wouldn't be, but I couldn't stop either.

He unbuttoned my shirt and stroked my bare skin with his right hand.

'Lay down there on the bed.'

I was already unable to decide anything on my own and so I just obeyed to what he told me.

I felt his hot breath next to my collarbone and his left hand on my belt.

He tried to open it but he didn't manage getting it done.

For a moment he knelt over me, one knee between my spread legs, opening the belt and the buttons of my jeans.

'Raise your hips.'

He pulled my jeans and shorts down to my knees and finally removed them fully.

For a moment he looked at my exposed body.

'Wow' he sighed and laid down on me again.

Somehow, I found his body heavy and comfortable at the same time.

I started to relax a little.

And then his hands sent me floating into completely different spheres.

I don't really remember what happened afterwards.

I mean, I remember the sex. But there's not much memory left of my way home afterwards.

I came down the stairs, trembling, confused, with Barry's arm around my waist.

Most people had gone until then and only few people were still sitting around, talking quietly.

Barry discovered Simon. He said something like 'Gotta carry him to your car.'

Simon jumped up, took my left arm and put it around his shoulders.

After they had placed me on a back seat of Simon's car, they were talking for a few minutes.

I didn't understand a word of what they talked about.

Finally, Simon got into the car too, and started the motor. Probably he was way too drunk to drive safely. But in this moment, of course I didn't care.

Simon turned his head back to me.

'What did you do?'

'…What? Nothing. Just talk.' I wondered if there was any chance Simon wouldn't discover this of being a lie.

'Barry told me.'

'Damn.'

'Don't worry, I won't tell anybody. And he's a nice guy. Just don't expect anything more of this.' He sighed.

'Yeah, right.'

I closed my eyes.

I woke up in my bed the next morning, my whole body aching terribly.

My head felt like bursting and all my bones broken.

So that was what people called a "hangover".

One by one, my memories came back to me.

Lots of alcohol, lots and lots of vodka.

Extremely loud music all evening long.

Having sex with a man. A man I'd never before met in my life.

_That_ kind of sex, me being passive.

Simon who asked me what we had done. Simon exactly knowing what we had done.

For a moment I didn't move, then I suddenly had to bend over the edge of my bed to not to puke on it but on the carpet instead.

My mother, by any chance having heard the sound of me throwing up, knocked on the door.

'Sam? Are you alright? Can I come in?' she anxiously asked through the closed door.

But before I could wipe my mouth to answer her question she came in.

Seeing me, still bent over, she screamed and ran towards me.

'Oh dear god! What is it?!'

It was Sunday so I hadn't to worry about not going to school or anything, but this Sunday was the worst in my whole life.

Not only the physical pain, also the thoughts rushing through my head on and on.

Had it been right to let my self get seduced by that man?

Otherwise…when again would I have had the chance to come close to another male?

I passed the rest of the day, throwing up, sleeping, getting myself confused about my strange feelings.

I couldn't help it. Somehow I needed to talk to Barry once again.

The next morning, I felt a lot better than before.

It was a normal school day after all so my mom decided I had to go to school if there was no puking of me anymore.

So I left the house and like everyday I was picked by Simon.

'Hey Sammy. Barry asked for you after all. Didn't want to give him your number. So he gave me his instead. Maybe you should call him.'

'Since when is it you're calling me Sammy? That's gross.'

'Since I saw you kissing another man with full passion, dear.'

I felt anger rising within me. This was nothing to joke around about after all.

Didn't he understand that this was something most embarrassing in my whole life?

Nope, he didn't. After all, I found he really was a jerk. I just hadn't noticed.

In front of the building I left his car without another word.

'Hey! Sammy! Sammy…Sam! Wait! You know I didn't mean it like that! We're friends, aren't we? Come on now, get your arse back to my car and at least fetch his number, man.'

When turning back, I felt even worse. Now I really was a poor jerk, burying his pride for the phone number of a dude he had been fucked by.

Packing a small folded piece of paper in my breast pocket, I tried not to look into Simon's eyes.

Bent down to the car's door, he suddenly placed one hand on my shoulder.

'Hey', he said, 'It will be alright. It's no problem for me. You know that you can always count on me. Do me the favour and don't be too desperate about it all. At least we're neither in Texas nor in Ohio. You won't die because of it.' he said, stupidly smiling.

'My first time also was a catastrophe. Don't bother so much. You know, it will improve.

And if not with Barry, then you'll find another one.'

I almost couldn't hold back my tears. I felt my lips twitching.

'Thanks then. Bye.' I said, trying to control myself.

'Tomorrow, boy.' he said, letting go of my shoulder.

I slammed the car's door, turned towards the school building and my way to the front door.

Somehow, the things Simon had said made a lot of sense.

Somehow, the things Simon had said made me think I was totally lost.

'Hello, this is Moss.'

'…Barry?'

'Oh, hey there. You finally called me, that's great. How are you?'

'Oh I'm…I'm just fine.'

'No pain?'

'Oh yeah, yesterday. I was kind of sick then.'

'Because of me?'

'Oh no. OH! NO! Of course not because of…you.'

'You wanna come over then? For a coke or somethin'?'

I somehow had a bad feeling about this. But I couldn't deny his proposal anyway.

'Yeah.'

Without all those people in there, Barry's house seemed to be even bigger.

No one except for Barry was at home but somehow I had heard that in the way he spoke to me.

'Let's go to my room. Up there.' He pointed towards the stairs.

'Yeah…I remember it was that way.'

'Oh, yeah of course. Just go up. I'll follow you in a minute, gotta go fetch the coke.'

So I went upstairs alone.

Somehow I felt threatened.

There was no one there, only Barry and me.

I entered his room, directly under the roof. First I sat down on his bed, but suddenly I remembered what exactly had happened here and I stood up instantly.

Instead, I sat down on the simple chair in front of Barry's desk.

The whole room was uncomfortably tidy and I became more nervous any second.

I let my eyes move through the whole room.

I hadn't seen it at daytime until now.

Well, _afterwards _Barry had turned on a light, but by this time I was so sick and tired I hadn't even really noticed it.

Now I saw all the details, everything perfectly clean and on its correct place.

Somehow it was weird to imagine guys like Barry that held their rooms so perfectly tidy.

To my mind, it just didn't fit.

He didn't even have posters of football-stars at his walls. And no sexy girls either.

I turned towards his desk.

Even here, everything nice and clean. I wondered how and why he managed to have everything in such a nice order.

My room always was kind of messed and I didn't really care about a bit of dirt and things lying around.

The door opened. I stopped thinking about rooms. It wasn't really an interesting subject to think about either. Maybe later at home or so, but not now.

I concentrated on Barry again. He placed my glass of coke on his desk.

Then he sat down on his bed, his own glass in his right hand.

'Was there a special reason you called me?' he asked.

'I…well, Simon said you wanted me to call you or something and gave me your number so I thought better if I call you…'

'Didn't you want to see me again?'

'I…well…somehow, yeah. But…this between us was only a, you know, kinda one-shot thing wasn't it.' I said nervously.

'Yeah yeah, 'course it was. Hope you didn't expect anything from it would ya?' he answered relaxed.

I was relieved and somewhat disappointed at the same time.

'What did you want me to call you for then?' I asked back.

'Tell you it only was a one-shot thing.'

'Oh.' Silence for half a minute. Do you know how long half a minute can be when nobody's talking and the only thing you can do with your hands is holding a glass of coke and taking a sip or two of it? Yeah, you know. Everyone knows these kinds of situations.

Suddenly Barry cleared his throat.

'This was your first time, wasn't it? I hope you aren't to sad about that it turned out like that.

You see, we were both drunk and I only took a chance…forget about it. I don't want to try to apologize for my behaviour. Please forgive me for taking your innocence.'

I felt my cheeks blushing.

'Oh…no, you don't have to. This was what we both wanted that moment.

No one carries more of the blame than the other…right?'

Barry suddenly stood up and came over to my chair. He put his glass on the desk.

'Man, Sam. You really are a cute one. If we had met under other circumstances, maybe this would have been my big love. If it had been.'

He stood very close in front of me while I was still sitting, now looking up to him.

'Now I can only hope that we'll make real friends after all the things having happened.'

He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the lips.

Though it was our lips that met, I knew it was friendship that showed in this kiss.

Maybe it would be the last kiss between us forever.

'Thank you. Let's make friends then. I don't want to do anything like that ever again. You definitely have deserved someone better than me.'

I didn't know what to answer to that.

Afterwards he brought me down and we said good bye.

Somehow it felt great to have a friend like Barry. Under the surface of his appearance, how I knew now, there was so much more to discover.

And I really wanted to discover all of his facets.

Somehow my experience with Barry had given me more self-confidence.

Suddenly it bothered me that my best friend Thom still didn't know about my preferences.

Until now I had always thought that I was the only one who felt like that, but now where I had met Barry, I had gained enough confidence to tell Thom.

A best friend isn't someone you shouldn't tell important things like that.

A week or so later, at a hot cup of chocolate I told him one night.

He wasn't even shocked. He told me several times before he had wondered if maybe that was what sometimes made me act so shy and quietly.

But of course he hadn't ever been brave enough to ask me.

It was okay for him that I was a homosexual. I was relieved that Thom would stay my best friend. Even if you know that your best friend is always there for you, those kinds of things sometimes make you struggle, don't they? At least they made me struggle a lot before now I had been able to just tell him.

It was a good feeling. Anytime, I would also have to tell my parents. But it wasn't so important for this very moment.

There would be enough hurdles to take later anyways, so I was satisfied for now.

I was pretty surprised when one morning while driving to school with Simon he made me a proposal.

The summer full of all those events having changed my life was almost over.

Barry's birthday party had been in this short summer.

I had slept with another man for the first time.

For a few moments I got carried away.

'What about we go watching the new James Bond next Friday?' Simon asked frankly.

'_We_?' I asked back.

'Barry and I talked about that. It would be just him, you, your best friend (Thom?) and me of course.' He smiled.

'Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course I want!'

For a moment Simon looked out of his window, away from me, while driving.

I had the feeling he was hiding his even bigger smile.

'Great, man.' He said, took his right hand from the steering wheel and brushed my hair roughly.

I've always loved movies.

And I've always loved going into movie theatres.

Together with all the guys I liked was at least twice as good as going alone or with dudes I didn't really know and I somehow thought of as being stupid jerks.

Simon was the only one of us four who had an own car, so he picked one after one of us up.

I was living closest to him so he picked up me first.

I wanted to enter his car on the front, but when I opened the passenger's car he started laughing and shouted 'You take a backseat, man. The passenger's for Thommyboy!'

So I closed the door again and took the backseat on the right-hand side.

Next to be picked was Barry. He lived only two blocks away.

He climbed into the car and sat down next to me.

'Hey Sam, how're ya doin.'

'Just fine. It's gonna be great fun tonight, won't it?' I answered.

'Yeah, for sure!'

Thom was already waiting in front of his parent's house so Simon didn't need to honk.

Simon turned on the radio.

'That's gonna be the greatest night you ever had, Sammy!' Simon shouted cheerful.

I didn't really understand why he only spoke to me.

After a while of driving I realized that Simon had taken a wrong turn.

'Where do you drive? The movie theatre is…' I was interrupted.

'Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know where the cinema is. But we have to pick up the special surprise for you!' Barry shouted joyfully over the noise of the radio.

I was confused and got nervous. "Special surprise?" what did they talk about?

Even Thom seemed to be initiated. For a moment he turned around and looked at me, widely smiling.

Simon stopped in a small street.

I saw a shadow behind a curtain in the room which probably was the kitchen.

It vanished the moment Simon's car stopped.

A moment later the front door opened and a boy in my age came outside.

In the dusk I could only hardly recognize his face.

He crossed the pavement and opened the back door and looked into my surprised face.

From the front of the car Simon shouted madly 'Heeey! Mike! How've ya been doin'?!'

"Mike" still stood outside the car.

Simon turned towards me and told me loudly 'Sam, you idiot. Could you maybe get into the middle so our special guest also fits in here?!'

I shoved up, very close to Barry so the new boy would also fit on the back seat.

Simon, still turned towards the back seats said 'So, may I introduce Mike Kyung-Ah to you?'

The light in the car was still turned on so I could see the boy's face.

He looked Asian, somehow really exotic.

Really beautiful.

He reached out his small hand and I took it.

'I'm Sam, nice to meet you.'

Somehow my heart was beating too fast. It was only some guy Simon and Barry had invited to go into the movie theatre for today. My heart was racing anyways.

'Nice to meet you too.' He said, gently smiling.

In this car, on the way too small backseat, sitting almost on Barry's lap, too close to this almost stranger, my heart was racing like it never had before.

He bit his lower lip. As he pulled back his soft hand, he again looked at me for a second.

From the corner of my eye I saw Simon smiling into Barry's direction.

'Gotta get goin' before the film starts' he whispered.

Another glance at Mike, then Simon turned off the light.

For me, as well as for him.

This was love at first sight.

~finished 27th Oct, 2008


	2. Early Winter

15.11.2008

Early Winter

'So now it's over between him and you?' Barry lit a new cigarette.

'Guess so' I could hardly speak but wouldn't cry.

It was dusk and we watched the sunset from a hill at the end of the town. The bright orange fireball in the sky lit the roofs of the houses and roads and sidewalks out there, seen by us from a strange perspective. Up on this hill, alone and private and seen by everyone at the same time, we used to play lords of the world. In fact we were more like smoking, drinking bastards, fucking their lives around. Getting lost in reality too soon.

That's what I liked about that place. Getting lost and being found.

'Quite a long time between you two was it?'

'Guess so'

I pulled my knees up to my body and wrapped my arms around them.

'C'mere' Barry said, taking my shoulder, with his left hand pulling me towards his chest.

There were some things I was able to better share my feelings about with Barry than with Thom. He still was my best friend, though. But Barry was… he knew what it meant trying to manage love and a normal life without getting to know the hatred of your so-called friends, who would have hated you if they'd known your real identity.

Barry was a gay football player and made all his football-friends believe he was "normal".

Anyways what was so abnormal about loving a guy? Nothing at all, but for them it was.

Barry flicked off his cigarette and started stroking my head with his right hand.

I recognized the smell of smoke from his hand. This was a relaxing situation.

Something I needed right now. Relaxation. Someone who was able to understand me.

'You two had a nice time. It's okay. You'll find someone new and Mike will lose his importance to you because your lives will go on. For a time your lives have gone into the same direction and now you're turning into different ones again. It's a normal process.'

'It hurts being drawn away from his side. How could he ever...it hurts.'

'I know. Many things hurt. And you've taken a hard way from the beginning. Since you decided girls wouldn't be the right thing for you, Sammy.'

'So I don't have the right to be hurt?'

'Didn't say that, boy. Calm.'

Silence between us, me close to him.

The fireball named Sun had set under the horizon and the orange light faded fast now.

It was fall and I had turned 19 years that spring.

Two years with Mike, but now it was over, after he had all of a sudden told me he'd fallen in love with another guy. And so now it was so totally, unbelievably over that I still could only half way realize it. Had it been my fault? I couldn't think of any reason it could have been my fault. I had believed it would go on like this forever.

Love's a sad disease.

Even tears didn't want to come now where there was time to cry.

There was just this typical big fat knot in my throat which made me sob from time to time quietly. I didn't know how to get rid of it, I didn't even really want to.

'It's getting cold and I'm freezing my ass off. Let's go home alright? Or is there anything you still wanna get rid of?'

'I'm fine. Let's go.'

As we were walking home which was quite a way to go, after some time Barry took my hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb. I looked up and he down so our eyes met for long seconds.

He let go of my hand, instead took the freed right hand and placed at my neck, stroking gently.

'Sammy. You're valuable so much more than you expect.' He whispered.

'What?'

He got closer to my ear, supporting my head, leaned further back, by his hand.

He inhaled deeply.

'It's nothing. Gotta bring you home right? So your parents won't come to worry about you'

I grinned. 'All of a sudden you care for my parents?'

'Let's make a good impression for a change' he smiled back.

We went on walking, covered in silence and the night sang a meaningful song of soon coming winter, carried by a soft breeze brushing through my hair.

'Bet you wanna be alone then, right?' he asked.

'Well…I mean – not really, actually.'

'You wanna come over then?'

I shrugged. 'Kinda…'

We got into his car and he started the engine.

'Ya know I don't wanna make you waste your nice Friday on me' I mumbled.

'It's alright Sam' He answered and gave me a short glance.

I couldn't help but smiled. Until now, Barry really had become an important friend to me.

Most times he just spoke out loud what he thought and I'd never caught him lying to somebody, including me. He was an unbelievably honest person, though sometimes a little too quiet and introverted so that other people also would have recognized this facility of him.

Of course because of his outer appearance many people just thought of him as the "unfriendly footballer you better don't start a talk with before he'll get somewhat angry on you" and for me this was just right. I don't like to share my friends with many other people.

Barry stopped in front of a row of bungalows which together made up one single building, stretched along the street.

One of those was Barry's at the moment.

He hadn't changed his apartment in a while now but he had mentioned that his flat was shitty and he was going to change it again soon.

In the daylight of the next morning, I opened my eyes and saw a mess. You couldn't have believed how the bedroom looked.

All of the drawers and cupboards seemed to have emptied themselves on the floor, which was so full of clothes and books and anything else one could or couldn't have imagined in a bedroom that made walking towards the other side of the room nearly impossible.

Well, it was possible of course, as long as cutting your feet and breaking a dozen things was a sacrifice one was willing to bring.

I might be exaggerating a little right now.

But at least I wasn't willing to get up, for what ever reason there was.

I felt a terrible headache, paired with pain in my legs, arms, back and everything else I could think of.

Once again my mind told me "Sam, alcohol is no good" and "Sam, drinking alcohol with Barry in combination of lovesickness is the worst. You should know better".

I tried to make the thoughts vanish but they wouldn't until all of a sudden, when I tried to remember more details of the last night and why Barry's apartment was messed like this, a terrible idea crossed my mind: Alcohol, Barry, me and…?!

I turned around in panic, looked at Barry and tried to remember what exactly had happened yesterday, and if in the end I had broken my promise to never get into touch with Barry in this way again.

Relieved I saw now that he was fully dressed.

I was only wearing my boxer shorts.

Instead of me, getting my already aching head into even more trouble I stopped wondering and instead felt my stomach terribly empty.

'Barry.' I said. No Reaction of course. I was pretty sure he had drunken even more than I had.

'Barry.' Louder now. Only a sleepy mumble.

'Barry! Man, come on.' I tried to shake him awake.

Suddenly he raised his right hand and hit me in the face. I was surprised.

'Whoa! Piece of shit!' I shouted aloud, and suddenly Barry rose fully awake and looked at me in panic. Only now I recognized his (from my perspective) left black eye. It looked terrible.

Still feeling the pain of his slap I said aloud: 'Dear god, what's that on your face?!'

'That'as you, asshole. You forgotten, shithead?!' He shouted at me.

I bet we both were still pretty drunk, by the way he, as well as I myself reacted on each other.

'Seems as if. Now calm down again, alright?' I said more calmly.

Because he seemed to be even more dizzy than I was I decided it now was my duty to get into the kitchen, get us some food but before, I searched for my jeans and shirt and got myself dressed.

It would have been a little too embarrassing to step around in his flat wearing only pants.

'Where ya goin' whore!' he shouted after me, but I wouldn't reply on something like that.

I unconsciously laughed about the mess I stepped over when trying to reach the kitchen.

In the kitchen, I decided the best was to first make a coffee for both of us.

I didn't know where anything was stored so I started searching all drawers but finally I found coffee powder and started boiling some water in a nice old-style teapot. I turned on the small kitchen radio and sang "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" together with Lesley Gore.

This was a pretty good Saturday morning.

The water boiled, I'd even found two dirty cups I tried to clean in the kitchen sink.

Because I was lazy and didn't know how else to do it, I just put one teaspoon of coffee powder into every cup and poured the water over it.

Then I returned into the messiest room of them all to deliver Barry his fresh coffee.

He sat cross-legged in bed and had buried his face in both palms.

'Coffee for you.' I said when I climbed over something that looked like a suitcase (I wondered why the heck it was laying in the middle of the room).

He looked up at me for a second, reached out his hand for the cup and took it.

'Ouch!' he screamed, pulled the cup towards him and instantly took it at its handle.

'Damn, that's boiling hot ya idiot.' He mumbled.

'Then wait until I'm closer jerk.' I replied coldly.

I sat down next to him on the bed and took a tiny sip of the hot brew.

'God that's gross.' I said.

Barry also took a sip and confirmed my statement with a gurgle.

'And now you tell me why this place is a single mess please.' I said.

'That's simple:' He started amused.

'You were so jagged that you got aggressive all of a sudden and started to insult me.

Then you started beating me. _Asshole._'

'I'm sorry.' I answered. What should I have said otherwise? He obviously hadn't punched back; he still was a lot stronger than me and could have hurt me badly.

'So when you'd punched me that nice black eye - thanks by the way for that – you pretty much instantly fell asleep so I brought you to bed, undressed you and drank a little more on my own.' Barry finished.

'Oh. So that'as why you were in such a bad mood before.'

'Nevermind.' He just said and took a sip of his ugly coffee.

'God, that's the worst brew I've ever had. You're damn untalented.' He said into the room.

For some minutes we just sat there and slurped our coffee. For a while the atmosphere was just calm, but eventually I felt the silence becoming unbearable.

'Let's just like…tidy your room. It's a total mess.' I said carefully.

'Guess who'as that.' Barry replied jejune.

'I already said I was sorry! It was you who invited me here yesterday! Not my business if you buy beer and all that stuff!' It burst out of me.

'Oh shut up you idiot! You don't know anything! Sick idiot!' Barry shouted and tossed away his cup which still was one quarter full.

'What are you doin'!' I shouted back.

With a sudden move he pulled me on my left shoulder, the one closer to him, towards him.

I was surprised and I spilled the rest of my coffee over his shirt.

'Ooooh look what you're doing!' He said angrily and loudly. He still held me at the left shoulder.

'I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm always just…' But I was interrupted.

I let the cup slip out of my slippery fingers that were wet of coffee and the cup fell from the bed when he suddenly pulled my head forward and kissed me tempestuously.

I was shocked and had to beware myself from loosing balance so I firmed up my wet hand on his soaked shirt.

Through the wet fabric I felt his well-trained chest which made my had spin in a second.

Mechanically, I moved my tongue and I felt his moving inside my mouth briskly.

I didn't know what to do but to answer his kiss as long as he wouldn't let go of me.

He still held me viselike on my left shoulder but his right hand was making its way under my shirt from behind. He started stroking my back and I still wasn't able to resist.

My heart was beating hard against my chest and the hot lips, pressed against mine, made me breath harder and faster through my nose.

I felt weak in his grip. I felt his left hand wander down my back under my shirt and to my waistband. With another move he was under my trousers and touching my butt.

Weakly I tried to free myself off his hold and with a quick move he drew back his right hand from my shoulder to my back and pressed me even harder against him.

When I started to resist too hard against his tongue he finally stopped the kiss and instead buried his face in my neck. He sucked it and moved further down to bite me in my collarbone.

'Ouch!' I let out.

'Sh'ddupp.' He uttered in a breathy voice against my neck and bit me again.

'Yew' I yowled suppressed.

I felt his left hand move in my shorts.

I couldn't help it but breathed more quickly. It wasn't possible to withstand his perfect seduction. His middle finger reached me deeply.

'Nah!' This was too intimate.

With teary eyes I stammered under heavy breathing 'Barry…Ba…haahh…'

But Barry just went on to lick and kiss my bare chest. He had pushed up my shirt which was now pushed together right under my arms.

While he was holding my lower body absolutely tight, I suddenly found my left arm completely free hanging over his shoulder.

When I started to punch him I felt that I was way too weak to do something with my arm to stop him from anything he wanted to do to me.

Instead, I tried to grab his hair and to pull his head away from my chest.

But even this couldn't stop him and soon I felt my arms getting soft as butter.

His actions got me so aroused that tears filled my eyes in helplessness. While he was stroking my butt and licking the rest of my upper body – pants still on – I half-way dangled over his right shoulder and stared with half closed eyes at the wall.

Why resisting him at all? Weren't we both free men who could do what they wanted?

But still I was unable to say if it wasn't totally wrong to do this – and why of all things had Barry begun with this? I didn't understand him a bit. He knew that I was lovesick about Mike and that I would probably only do this to distract myself from my heartache.

But still it had been him and him alone who'd begun with this shit.

Suddenly I was pulled out of my distant thoughts when I felt how Barry pulled back both of his hands and started to open my belt and zipper of my jeans.

I sucked in the air in surprise.

Suddenly my head was totally clear again after I'd become all dizzy by his caresses.

I used my freed arms to take his face into both hands and thus to raise his eyes up.

He stopped in his action and looked up to me with a serious expression.

'Barry?' I asked short on breath.

'Why are you trying to restrain me from going on?' He asked with a weird undertone I couldn't identify.

'This ain't no right. We mustn't do that.' I said weakly.

'Why?'

'I…can't. You're just…hurting yourself.' I tried to calm myself down again and to speak without panting.

'No I'm not. I just do what both of us want.' He said and moved his body a little up from the crouched posture on eyelevel with my belly button.

I still held his face and some of his hair in my grasp.

'I don't want though. Just because you're doing…' But he interrupted me.

'And what is this. Why are you panting and crying in pleasure while I treat your body the way it wants to be treated. What's _that_ then?' And he accidentally-on-purpose touched my crotch.

Puzzled I looked down on the fabric and saw what he meant.

Until that very moment I hadn't realized that I had a full erection.

Sudden panic and overflowing adrenaline made my heart a race and something like a flush set my face on fire.

I felt me eyes wetting in embarrassment.

Barry looked at my puzzled, shocked face until he blurred from the tears in my eyes.

I felt how he started stroking over the erection and it felt like his hands were pure fire, even through the fabric.

'Aaaaah! Stop it. That's too much. It hurts.' I said panting.

He raised and helped me out of my shirt which was still crumpled together under my arms.

Willingly I raised my arms to get rid of it.

For a moment he took his left hand away from my jeans and instead kissed my chest and started to suck my right nipple. I felt my whole body contracting.

'It's too late, Sam, it's too late.' He said aroused. I closed my eyes feeling heatedly like I never had before.

While still playing with my nipples he finally opened the zipper.

I felt my face burning. This time he'd see every little thing of me.

'Lay down, Sam.' Barry whispered short on breath.

I couldn't withstand any longer and all my worries vanished when I raised my hips to make him get me off of my jeans.

For a moment our bodies lost contact and I opened my eyes to see what he was doing.

He opened the zipper of his jeans and got rid of it and his shirt.

My eyes opened once I couldn't just avert my gaze and I saw his erection.

Before I could look at him any longer he came back to the bed and kneeled down over me.

He gave me a covetous, long kiss. He started stroking my penis while he was playing with my mouth. When I raised my arms to search for his own member to return him the favor he suddenly raised again from me and he slipped down to the lower regions of my body.

I tried to restrain my almost unbearable nervousness.

Barry became more and more gentle as he wandered lower with his mouth. When he reached my underbelly he exhaled softly which made me goose bumps all over my arms.

'…tickles…' I mumbled.

With a jerk he reached the base of my penis and started to cover it with kisses.

I scrunched up my eyes to withstand the need to come right away. Barry was so much more experienced than Mike. He knew exactly how long he could wait before awaiting pleasure became unbearable impatience though this was only the second time we were ever doing it.

While Barry was still exploring the whole region around my penis he started to stroke the shaft slowly with his right hand while he was supporting his body with the left arm to not let me feel his full weight.

He slipped fully between my legs and thus made me spread them wider.

While still stroking slowly with his right, he shifted the weight of his upper body on my left leg and held himself up while pushing my right leg up with his left hand so I had to tuck it up fully. With his mouth he moved even deeper and kissed and sucked on the insides of my legs and the changeover from testes to shaft. From the underside of my penis he slowly worked his way up to the top. I couldn't hold in anymore.

'Pl…please…' I groaned helplessly.

And finally, finally he ended up his fooling and let me feel his mouth from the inside.

It was obvious that he'd done this many times. His technique was perfect.

His head went up and down and his right hand stroked the base.

The arousal my excitement had buried was back as intense as it had been before and went on rising boundless. I couldn't determine if this was already the orgasm or still the way which lead to it. With teary eyes again I gasped for breath.

Barry became faster and faster – he had to know how close to climaxing I already was, but he didn't seem to care. With his eyes closed he continued sucking my hard member.

With every stroke I came closer and closer; I started to twitch unconsciously and reared up.

Unexpectedly, he suddenly reached out his left arm to give me something to hold to.

Trembling, breathing even harder, I held his hand between my sweaty fingers.

'Haaaah…aaaah…Barry! Let g…go…you…swa…_Aaaaaah_…..'

With a last contraction I released myself into his mouth.

I instantly covered my mouth with my hands.

'So…sorry!' I screamed out.

I remembered Mike who'd always watched that he wouldn't get the cum into his mouth.

For a moment Barry lay still between my legs before he came up and laid on me, this time with his full weight. He looked into my wet eyes and wiped his mouth.

'That'as quite a load.' He said smiling evil.

'Y…you really swallowed it?'

''Course. What you thinkin'.' He said grinning.

Then he kissed me. I didn't feel disgusted by it. He'd even swallowed it.

For a moment I drifted away in a hug between lovers.

He kissed me again. And again. His body touched mine as gently as could be. This could only be a dream. I had sworn to myself to never again have a sexual thing with Barry.

He was still on top of me and when our lips lost contact, instead our eyes met.

I didn't know what I saw in his. He opened his mouth to say something. Instead he just closed it again without a word and looked away. Barry started kissing my neck again, more tempestuously as before. He took my left hand which rested on my stomach and led it to his own belly. I started moving my hand on my own and touched his erection.

While slowly stroking it, I felt my spirits returning.

The right knee between my legs, the other one left to my thigh, Barry still kneeled over me.

He started to suck on my neck to make me another hickey. I stroked him harder and he suddenly rose with his face grimaced.

I looked at this face which perfectly showed his feelings.

He exhaled hard before he said in a scratchy voice: 'Turn round please.'

I became more and more aroused again when I slowly laid down on my belly.

For a moment Barry was off the bed and off me and searched for something under the bed. I looked up to see what it was and recognized a tube.

'Close your eyes' He told me in a strange voice. I could easily tell he was really fevered now. Too see how he lost his calm attitude made me somehow proud. He really seemed to want me.

As he was behind me again I placed my head sideways on the pillow and awaited his fingers.

'Hhh…' I squeezed out because the lubricant on his fingers was so cold and slippery.

He plunged one finger into me, then a second.

He laid the tube aside and started to caress my back while he still inserted his fingers more deeply.

I expelled a deep groan when he pulled his fingers back.

Slowly he climbed on me again and I felt the mattress sinking in when he based himself on it, next to my left shoulder.

I closed my eyes, waiting for him to start and felt my heart beating faster and faster while remembering my very first experience with him, in a dark room in his parents' house.

Back then I'd been so innocent. No, not really. I'd just been inexperienced like a small boy and I'd been totally afraid of the idea he'd stick up his dick into me.

But now I was more or less calm, awaiting the mixture of pain and pleasure, or even the pure pleasure. I knew he'd probably be even gentler this time.

I imagined the feeling of his penis inside of me and my heart turned into a race.

His upper body came closer to my back and I knew this was the signal which told me 'Relax. I'm starting'. I closed my eyes again.

I held them closed and was prepared for his first move.

But it wouldn't come. I waited for another few seconds before I opened my eyes again and turned my head towards him.

I saw his face and I saw confusion in it.

With a sudden move he raised and moved off me. I turned around and raised, too.

'What's this supposed to mean?' I said surprised.

He stood in the middle of the messy room, completely naked.

'I gotta go to the bathroom have a shower. You should get yourself some clothes. Better if you go then.' He said to the bathroom's door.

'What? I don't get a thing! Why all of a sudden? Can't you at least give me an explanation?!' I shouted. I was sitting naked on the rumpled sheets, looking at his naked backside.

Still looking away from me he whispered: 'It was the alcohol. I'm sorry.'

'_No!_' But with his last words he disappeared in the bathroom and left me alone.

Stunned I sat there, for at least a minute, and heard how he'd turn on the water in the shower.

Finally, I stood up; deeply disappointed.

I could almost feel the tears in my eyes and the uprising need to cry of anger but I wouldn't let myself blubber over my despair and total confusion.

It wasn't even a heartache of being left in the middle of the ultimate act.

I just felt my mind blown because I couldn't decide about what to feel. Hadn't it been me only minutes before who'd tried to get him off me?

And now I should be crying about this sudden break? It didn't make sense to me but I couldn't do anything against it.

When I tried to find my second sock in the middle of all kinds of things I lost a first teardrop.

I didn't want him to hear me crying over him and I didn't want him to see me either, just in case he'd come out of the bathroom before I left – It didn't seem quite likely.

I didn't find my sock and so I just got my shoes together and put them on without that stupid thing of a sock.

When I picked up my jeans jacket I realized that it was all sticky and wet around my ass because of the stupid lube.

I searched for something to wipe it. For my part a pretty embarrassing feeling like I'd just wetted my pants. When I couldn't find something like a tissue I got angry about this annoying situation and I shouted out aloud 'You asshole!'

Finally I left without cleaning myself and I felt like the last shithead when walking down the whole street like a gambler, in dirty clothes soaked with coffee and beer.

After I'd almost made two thirds of the way a single passenger crossed my way. The young woman was neatly dressed and she looked at me like I was an alien.

When we almost passed each other she mumbled something, I heard something like: 'You know what a shower is?'

I turned around when she walked on and felt how I got aggressive.

'Know what a damn fuckin' bad day is?!_ Whore_.'

Then I turned around in an instant and stamped down the alley while hearing her outraged squeaking behind me, but I wouldn't care. Not today.

Maybe later I'd feel sorry.

I came home at about 2 pm and by now felt terrible.

From the front door I could see into the kitchen.

My mom sat there at the kitchen table and made a crossword when I came in. And I knew I looked the worst. Like I hadn't slept half the night. Like I had had a fight with another drunk, judging from the bruises on my right cheek. Like I'd almost had a fuck with my buddy?

No. She wouldn't have ever thought something like that. For her, I was still the good, friendly, lovely boy I'd been a long time ago, dating girls.

(I'd never even really dated a girl. For one single time in fifth grade I'd imagined myself in love with a cutie from my grade. But only months later I realized that I was a little different.)

Probably she believed I just wasn't telling her I already had been dating cute girls.

She had to believe this. But I couldn't imagine her to think about me having sex with them.

She trusted me. It made me sad to know that she believed I'd been sleeping over at Simon's or Thom's.  
From the door frame I glanced into the kitchen.

'Hi mum.'

She looked up for the first time and saw my bruise.

'Oh dear. What's been happening to you?' She asked anxiously.

'Oh, it's nothing. I was…'

For a split second I thought about lying to her, telling her I'd been with the college guys.

'I was at Barry's flat. Somehow during our talking an' stuff I must have fallen asleep.'

I tried to say casually.

'Then how come you have this bruise?'

She stood up from the table and came around it towards me.

'Oh dear, look how you're looking! How did you get home just now?'

'I walked. Barry was busy and he couldn't drive me home.'

'Oh my! You were outside looking like _that_?' The change in her voice annoyed me. She seemed to be more anxious about what the neighbors would think of my terrible looks but of her son who looked like having received a punch or two.

'Everything's just fine mum…' I said unnerved.

'Just give me your clothes and I'll…' I had to stop her.

'_No mum_! I said everything's _fine_ okay! So now would you let me go upstairs. I need a shower.'

I almost shouted at her.

Then I turned around and walked upstairs.

I slammed my jacket into one edge of my room and picked up a towel which had hung over my bed. In the bathroom I quickly undressed and turned on the water.

While the hot water warmed and wetted my skin I looked down my body.

I saw hickeys all over me chest, at my neck probably too, but of course I couldn't see those.

I remembered how Barry had bit my collarbone. Something Mike wouldn't have ever done to me and I hadn't done either. A really funny and painful sensation. Nothing I'd ever experienced. And Barry had done it like it was normal to him. I felt strangely simple minded. Maybe I was just suffering a loss of ideas for sex games.

Quickly I tried to cover the hickeys with a lot of soap turning into foam.

Then I closed me eyes and shampooed my hair.

For the rest of the afternoon I tried to find distraction in reading one of my favorite books, the Lord of the Rings. I couldn't really concentrate and after over an hour of useless trials to understand the actions I closed the book, sighing.

I went downstairs and found my mum preparing for dinner. My dad had been on an important meeting out of town all day and he'd be back by supper.

'Hey mum.' I said, stepping into the kitchen.

'Hey darling. Are you fine again?' She said anxious.

I smiled softly and left again.

'Probly I'll go see Thom after sup'' I said casually.

'Really? Didn't you just come home from that _Barry_?'

'Yeah but I needa see'im. Gonna call'im now.'

I called Thom without thinking about the number and heard the beeping signal.

Someone picked up the receiver and said nicely: 'Hello, this Rachel Morrison'

'Hey Mrs. Morrison, it's me, Sam. Could you maybe get Thom for me?'

'Oh, hi Sam.' Her voice turned more casually. 'Yeah of course. I'll call him. Just a sec''

She turned down the receiver and I could hear her steps fade.

Then steps came closer again and someone picked up the phone receiver again.

'Hi Sammy.' Thom said.

'Hey.'

'How're you?' he said.

'Oh just…just…' I couldn't say fine.

'Like…fine?' Thom said.

'…Yeah. 'N you?'

'Oh, Laurie's here right now. Mind me calling later again?'

I sighed quietly. 'Nah. 'Course not. I'll just call in an hour again, right?'

Silence on the other side.

'No, sorry. We goin' to the movie theatre afterwards and I'll be back at past eleven. But I can call then.' Thom said.

I was unable to hide my disappointment.

'Yeah, of course. Of course. We'll just…talk then right?'

'Okay. I'll be there in 20 minutes' Thom said with a changed voice.

'_What?_'

'I said I'll be there in 20 minutes. If you don' mind I'll go now and say Laurie good-bye okay?'

'…Thom? Thank you.'

Thom arrived 25 minutes later at ours and seemed to be rather exhausted from the way he looked at me when saying a breathless 'hi'.

'Why did you race like that?' I asked him, but he wouldn't answer before he hadn't slammed himself on my bed upstairs.

While he laid there for a minute without a word I took place on a pillow on the floor.

'Sorry, but Laurie wouldn't let me go at first. So I had to argue with her about the importance about a best friend until she finally left.'

'I'm sorry. You didn't have to come, really.'

'Oh Sammy.' He said, turning towards me.

'Don't you think I can hear in what mood you are? I heard it for sure.' He said.

My stomach felt warm in deep love for him. That moment, when he smiled so calm and cool at me, I didn't feel sure about me deserving a friend like him.

'Thom, I…' I wanted to thank him for being there for me but instead I couldn't hold back the tears and burst into sobs.

I heard him getting up and kneeling down next to me but hid my teary eyes behind my palms.

He laid both arms around me and clung to me.

'Look, I knew it. What's happened?' He whispered into my ear as if calming down a child.

But maybe I just was one, desperately as I was searching for love and getting dumped once and once again.

'I…I…' I tried to stop sobbing but it was no use.

'Won't you stand up and go to the bed with me? My legs are starting to feel dump.'

I stood up and he walked me over to the bed where we sat down once again.

'Now tell me.'

But I still felt unable to put Barry's behavior and my weakness towards him into proper words.

'Oh come on, Sammy. You know I can't stand you looking like that.'

'I was…I was…So, he and I went up to the hill and we drank a little and this and that and I went with him to sleep over.'

'Ooh.' Thom said as if he knew.

'Now, that wasn't_ it_.' I continued.

'Okay, go on.' He said, trying to look at my teary face. Slowly I calmed and took down my hands to just sit there weakly.

'We drank and it seems like we both got pretty aggressive so we woke up, both bruises all over our faces. Berry later told me he'd been drinking more after I'd fallen asleep the night before and when I woke up next morning I made some coffee for the two of us.

But he…' I stopped for a short brake.

'But he…?' Thom wanted me to continue.

'I spilled it over his stupid shirt and over everything we suddenly were like…in a _kiss_.'

I couldn't go on. It was impossible for that moment, even up until this it had been hard to just tell Thom.

I knew he was someone who'd understand me whatever it was, as if my experiences weren't different from his own, but it still was embarrassing.

'You…kissed? That's what you crying about? You serious?' He said with a bit of anger in his voice.

'_No…_' I said painfully.

'_No,_ of _course_ it wasn't. It's just…I can't just tell you…' I closed my eyes for a moment.

He put one hand on my left shoulder and tried to look me in the eyes but I closed them instantly again.

'Tell me now.' he said determined.

'Okay' I answered and inhaled deeply once again.

'He started to do it against my will so I struggled. But he was stronger and in a better position. So I had to stand it out.'

Silence.

'He did _what_? _Rape_ you? Are we talking about the same Barry I got to know?'

'_No!_' I cried out. I felt the tears coming back.

'What no?' Thom asked back.

'I mean he didn't…you know…_violate _me. It was just…he started and as he started I became unable to withstand it and to fight him full-heartedly.'

Helplessly I pressed my left hand on my mouth and stared into the room.

One by one, I understood something which I wouldn't be able to tell Thom about.

I tried to imagine the whole scene with Barry from before and lively pictures appeared in front of my eyes. And finally I managed to get a hold of my most important thought while Barry started to seduce me.

'_I knew that he's best.'_

This thought totally shocked me. It couldn't be true – I couldn't have longed for him all the time, could I? This was absolute nonsense. I'd been with Mike and I'd loved him and all that…

With this sudden realization I jumped up in terror.

'_NO!'_ I shouted into the room.

Thom stood up too, trying to make out what I was thinking about.

'What is it? Or better, what is it not?' he asked.

I turned towards him slowly and looked at him anxiously.

'It'as all my fault, Thom. It'as all my fault! Everything! Why he left me! Why…'

I sank down to the bed again.

'Why didn't I realize earlier? Thom!'

He kneeled down in front of me and tried to catch my eyes from a lower angle.

'What is your fault? What do you mean?'

Painful realization made my eyes get wet once again.

'I've lied to Mike all the time without even noticing… Because I didn't see how much I actually still admired Barry… Oh my god… It's all been my fault. Because Mike got it all…'

Thom couldn't stay and so for the rest of the night I laid there all on my own, confused and terribly angry about my own stupid feelings.

I didn't know the next day would be worse than this one. I tried to call Mike a bunch of times to talk to him but only other families would pick up the receiver and after it was Mrs Kyung-Ah for the third time talking to me and telling me Mike wasn't there I gave up.

His small brother Ben had been a little more honest: 'Sorry Sam, I don't know what's going on but he said he doesn't want to talk to you and I was actually supposed to tell you he's not there. But now you know what's the matter and maybe you better stop calling.'

He spoke so straight forward it almost made me blow up.

'Oh, oh, er, yeah B...Ben, thank you.' and I hung up as fast as possible.

At about 5 in the afternoon Thom showed up unexpectedly.

'I need to talk to Mike, I really do!' I told him desperately while he was still standing in the hall.

'Calm down a little a'right?' He sighed.

'Yeah well...'

We stood there silently for a little while before it came to my mind to invite him to come up to my room. '...You wanna come in?'

I felt like a wrack. I still wore the same shirt as yesterday and the day before yesterday and I hadn't taken a shower either.

In my room we sat down, Thom was still wearing his jacket.

'You need to get out of this house, you really need'a' Thom told me straight into the face.

'I know...' I said unmotivatedly facing the floor.

'Ya know, tonight there's a real big party going on. Kate's celebrating her 21st.'

'So you go there, then?' I asked him.

'...and you'll be doing so, too. You really need to get out a little. Some nice chicks...well, guys in your case –' he said giggling.

'Yiha, shut up, the queery needs a walk.'

'I didn't mean...' Thom instantly intervened.

'Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I just feel so...' I inhaled sharply and lowered my head.

'See? Everyone's gonna be there. Maybe even Mike.'

I raised my head again in an instant. 'Really?! Oh my. I need to go there...'

'You sure it's alright talking to him?'

'I need to talk to him about all of this...I mean...!' I broke off.

'_Are you sure you aren't talking yourself into this stuff way too much_?' Thom asked back.

'I'm _not_!'

'We'll pick you up at 8 and 'till then you've showered and gotten yourself some nice clothes alright?'

Shortly afterwards he left to visit Laurie.

Suddenly I was in a rush. I showered, took lots of soap and shampoo, shaved and searched for acceptable clothing. I found a nice buttoned shirt and some jeans.

I even searched for my long forgotten perfume. I didn't use it at all but maybe it would be nice to wear it tonight.

When I eventually finished, I suddenly realized it was no use to dress up like that. There was no one going to be there who'd be impressed by that shit.

And Mike would be the least.

Finally, at 8, Thom and Laurie came and picked me up.

We'd be walking because Kate's place wasn't too far away.

I hadn't seen Laurie in quite a while and she looked very pretty that evening, dressed up nicely and smiling at me very friendly.

'You look lovely' I told her and caught Thom's unfriendly eyes on me.

I giggled and told him: 'Hey, relax. I'm just the nice next-door-gay. I wouldn't ever lay hand on your girlfriend' and Laurie and I started laughing which also made Thom relax.

The party was already noisy and Kate's place crowded.

Thom and Laurie disappeared and I had no intention of looking after them.

Instead I started watching out for Mike.

I got myself a beer and walked around a little. Someone touched my shoulder from behind.

'Hey, I've never seen you before. I'm Christine!', the pretty girl said confidently smiling.

'Oh, hello. Neither have I seen you before.' I answered calmly. She was a girl. No prey for a guy like me. I'd talk to her a little and before we'd get any closer than 'Let's stay in contact' I'd tell her that she'd be no option for me.

'So...what's your name?' She asked again and I realized she'd already been implying this question before.

'Oh, I'm Sam.'

'How old are you then, Sam?'

'19 and you?'

'Ah, what a coincidence, I'm of the same age as you. I'd bet you'd be a little younger than me.' She said laughing and took a nip on her glass. Obviously she'd already drunken a little.

'What a compliment." I said ironically but friendly.

'Oh, I didn't mean to be impolite.'

'You weren't.' I said gently.

She smiled at me broadly and showed me her bright, beautiful teeth.

'What are you doing?' she went on asking.

'At the moment I'm jobbing but I'll probably be going to university starting next semester.'

'Oh, really? One of the clever kind, are you?' she said lasciviously and came closer. From her lower angle she looked me into the eyes.

'Time to make you sad.' I said gently smiling and took her shoulder. Before she'd be going any further it was better to tell the truth.

But I wouldn't manage to tell her the rest of it because I raised my eyes for only a second to view Barry, entering the room, surrounded by several girls.

'Gotta go.' I said abrubtly and snatched away before he'd eventually see me.

I had no intention of talking to him after all. I felt way too embarrassed and simply awful about the whole situation.

There had to be another rear exit or maybe a door to the garden.

If I could only get away without him even knowing I was here, and everything would be fine...at least for now.

But I was an idiot after all.

'Sam!' I heard Barry's voice roaring behind me.

I reached the hall towards the kitchen and a possible back door, but he'd simply grab my shoulder from behind and got me.

'Gotcha!' He shouted and held my shoulder like a vise with his left hand.

With unknown power he turned me around.

'Ouch! LET! ME! GO! _Right now!_' I shouted back panicly.

'No way! We have to talk! Now!'

'I don't want to, asshole!'

But he didn't listen to me. He held my arm unbelievably strong and pulled me back through the whole living room.

Everyone was staring at us and I felt like dying of shame. I felt my cheeks burning and my arm hurt in Barry's damned hand.

The music was still running but nobody was speaking, except for Bob Marley the whole house was dead silent.

'Don't watch like that, fuckers!' Barry said loudly and pulled me with him.

Nobody tried to stop him and we left the house without obstacles.

Outside, he finally let go of my arms.

'Asshole.' I rubbed my arm which felt dumb. 'That's gonna leave fuckin' bruises.'

'Shut up now. Into the car.'

'What are you planning on doing, huh? Raping me? This time all until the end?'

'I said SHUT UP!'

Maybe it was better if I just did so. I didn't want any of the neighbours to call the police...after all, this evening still was possible to get worse.

'Why are you running away?'

We were sitting in his car now, doors closed, but Barry wouldn't start the engine.

'Why shouldn't I, huh? Should I be happy to see you?'

'I wanted to see you, really.'

I couldn't reply anything on this. His voice had suddenly changed to sad and emotional.

'I really wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't mean to...' But he broke off.

'Didn't meant to _what?_' I asked. It was mean, but he deserved it.

'It just came over me like...lightning...'

I burst into nervous laughter.

'You must be kidding! Abusing me came over you like lightning? You seriously wanna explain me something like that?'

'Stop talking about abuse...after all, you wanted it.' Barry said angrily.

Unconsciously I stopped laughing.

'Yeah and you know what? That was exactly when you stopped, dear.' I said in an ironic manner.

'Why can't we just go on then?' Barry said.

It almost made me burst into laughter again but I held myself back.

'Of course! I'm so glad you said that. I've been hot ever since' I told him and had to struggle really hard not to laugh out again. But, as I'd never have imagined, Barry took me for serious:

'Really? Phew, and I thought you really were angry with me.'

I couldn't believe it.

'You really are the silliest boy in the whole world, aren't you? I went on asking.

'What?'

'You fuckin' turned me down the minute I got weak from your seduction! And now you really believe I'd just say "okay, let's fuckin' go on!"?! You _are_ stupid!'

'Hey, what are you doing?!' Barry said confused.

'I'm going, idiot.' I said and had already left his car half-way, but he grabbed my left arm and held me back.

'Please wait.' He said in an all of a sudden low voice. I couldn't withstand this careful try to calm me.

'Can't you please tell me what I did so wrong that you're hating me now?'

Some folks were passing our car and I felt embarrassed in this situation, sitting here in Barry's car. I felt weak and helpless, unable to lie to him now where he was trying so badly to win me back.

'I...I mean, the problem is not...I...don't hate you, I mean.' I stuttered.

'Phew. Okay, that's one thing. But what is it then?'

My stomach was doing somersaults while I was trying hard to guess what I should reply. I couldn't tell him the real thing. I couldn't tell him I'd loved him all along.

But if not now, when should I tell him? The situation was a little odd but otherwise probably the one single chance in a thousand years. I didn't know what to do next.

'I...Barry...' I tried hard not looking into his face, instead facing my knees and my clenched fists on my thighs.

'Sam?' Barry asked cautious.

I raised my head and replied abruptly: 'Oh, yeah.'

But the moment our eyes met I saw that Barry's expression had changed.

His expression had suddenly softened even more and he had turned is whole upper body towards me, reaching his left hand against my cheek.

'There's...something...I've also wanted to tell you.' He said nervously.

But that very moment I couldn't hold back anymore and my lips would move without me being able to stop the words coming from them.

'I love you!' I said aloud and without hesitation.

We looked at each other in shock.

'..._What?_' Barry said stunned.

'I mean I...I've loved you...I've loved you...the whole time.'

Suddenly all dams had broken and I could speak freely. I felt I'd have to tell him everything I'd discovered.

'See, I guess Mike knew it all along, that was why he broke up. And then, when I thought about it...when was that? Yesterday? See, suddenly I totally realized it! I'm such an idiot!

I didn't get it all along! But now I've suddenly understood what it's been! _I love you!_'

Maybe that was a little too much for Barry. He looked as if unable to say a word.

'You mean...you really...?'

'I love you, Barry.'

He looked at me puzzled.

'But...' He began to speak.

'..._I_ love _you_'

A second followed a first kiss, again followed by many others.

Nothing, no kiss, no anything had ever felt so right as kissing him that very moment.

Touching him wherever I could reach his skin, being touched by him the same way in return.

We had barely made it back to his flat and now we were here, in the same bed as before.

We felt like we had no time to lose and our kisses lost while we were snatching off each other's and our own clothes.

But this time, I didn't want to be as passive as before. I wanted to show him that from now on we'd be equal.

We lay next to each other on Barry's large, comfortable bed, facing each other, covering our faces with kisses. Barry's short hair tickled as he wandered along my neck and further down.

Once again it came to my mind how skilled he was...somehow even _too _skilled.

I wondered how many guys he'd have had to seduce like that...what a turn-off.

Barry looked up to me with questioning eyes and I recognized that in thinking about these other guys my body had become stiff and uneasy.

'What's the matter?' Barry asked and gave me a kiss on my belly.

'Nothing...sorry. Go on.' I replied sighing.

'As thou wish.' He said laughing.

He went on with his business but I couldn't relax anymore.

'Barry?' I said clearly.

He looked up again, unnerved this time.

'What then?', he asked and wouldn't stop rubbing my dick with his hand.

It looked so funny how this angry-looking guy was giving me a handjob I had to laugh.

With a fast movement Barry got up and sat down on the bed.

'I'm sorry. It's just...'

While I said this, I had raised myself and I started kissing his back and his neck, up to his collarbone.

'What is it?'

'Nothing, just come back.' I said seductive.

He leaned back and lay down on the bed again.

I was above him this time, kissing him and now it was my turn to do him. I unbuttoned his shirt, pulled down his pants and wanted start licking his member in return.

But this time it was Barry to interrupt me and he drew my head up to his face again.

'No foreplay then, okay?', he said heavily breathing.

When we kissed and I felt his hot lips on mine, I suddenly lost all my power and sank down on him.

'Let me do it, please.' I breathed into his ear.

'Just go on.' He said softly, and opened his legs.

He smiled at me and I felt as happy as I'd probably never felt before.

The next morning, when I woke up, the first thing I wanted to do was searching my watch, but what I actually _had to do_ first, was removing Barry's heavy arm from my chest.

He was sleeping like a baby, snoring from time to time and apparently he'd half-heartedly held me in his arms all night.

But I needed to go to school now...

I found the watch in the breastpocket of my shirt and noticed, that it was after 10 am and thus way too late to go to school.

Anyway, I wouldn't have been able to concentrate after all.

Now that I knew, that today would be a lazy day, I went back to bed and laid down next to my new boyfriend.

At least I believed, Barry would be my boyfriend now.

I looked at his sleeping face and almost had to laugh about his funny expression. I could almost believe there was saliva running out of the edge of his mouth...he was such a fool after all!

I decided that a little more sleep would be alright.

When I woke up next time, the bed next to me was empty.

I sat up and yawned passionately. Then I heard something rattling in the kitchen and Barry entered the room.

Naked.

It was embarrassing and normal at the same time but I couldn't manage to look at him.

'What is it? You never saw a man naked? Somehow I can't believe that...' He said laughing and passed me a cup of coffee.

It was hot and I needed the coffeein, but I remembered something...

'It tastes _SO _horrible.' I said laughing. 'But don't worry, I won't spill it on your body of an Adonis...'

Barry had sat down next to me, taking away my cup again and putting it down on the floor.

'You're such a shithead, you know?', he said softly and we kissed.

I couldn't help but thinking 'Man, what a fuckin' great day...'

Barry was kissing along my chin, over my neck and down my chest before I could think about it.

'Sorry boy, there's things to get done y'know?' I interrupted him.

'Sometimes you're way too clinical...You could have had a blow-job just now, you know?'

Barry replied and got up, taking my cup away.

'I'm sorry. I gotta clear that thing about Mike and me.'

I got up from his bed and looked for my clothes as he vanished in the kitchen with a pityful smile at me.

'You sure are sweet, darling' He said half-ironic.

'I know.'

We said good-bye and I left in Mike's direction.

He opened the door himself which I was glad about.

I knew his father had had an eye on me because probably he'd sensed anything about us, though Mike had never had a real coming-out.

His mother was friendly but cautious and his brother seemed to kind of hate me.

But it was him, after all.

'Hi' He said and looked at me with eyes overflowing from emotions.

We sat in his tiny room under the roof. At first I was a little uncomfortable, but soon this feeling vanished.

'I'm so sorry Mike.' I said. I didn't know how to start my explanations.

'I know. I really do. Are Barry and you together now?'

'I...think so.'

He smiled warm at me.

'I knew it would be like that when we part...I mean...you two were just made for each other.'

'I really loved you Mike! I really did! I haven't been with you all this time and didn't love you...I can't explain it myself...But suddenly it was all so clear to me! I....I never meant to hurt you but I did!'

I felt the tears in my eyes and I had no intention to stop them. I wanted Mike to know that I was really sorry.

'Oh dear...' He said in this way he always spoke in when the matter was personal.

He came over to me, kneeled down in front of me on the floor, while I was sitting on a chair.

He took my right hand gently, pressed it against his soft cheek and held it.

This was Mike as I'd always loved him. So perfectly gentle. So lovely and true.

For a moment I thought about the option to fall for him again. But I knew that this wouldn't make us happy once again. Barry was my new choice. And Mike would find somebody perfect for himself. Somebody who would be able to love him the way he loved this person in return.

I went down to the floor and we embraced for a long time.

'It's okay.' Mike said and looked me in the eyes.

He was crying himself, but I didn't know how to stop him. Maybe I simply couldn't release him from this sadness because it was my own fault he felt miserable.

'I love you, Sam.'

I shook my head. 'You mustn't. I ain't worth it.'

'You should go now.' Mike said, tears streaming all over his face.

I couldn't let him stay here like that.

'Mike...If there was anything I could do for you...I'd really do anything...'

He looked at me with this deep sadness in his eyes.

I embraced him again.

Though there was nothing I had to do right now I felt it was time to go.

We went down the stairs together and my friend closed the door behind me.

A chapter of my life, a chapter that had lasted two years of my life was over forever.

And a new one had begun the same page. For me, the reader, or maybe even the protagonist, the actions had happened too fast to realize them.

I would take my time to get used to this new narration style.

But maybe I had become a little more grown up in these two years...

I felt like smoking a cigarette right now but I didn't have any. Maybe Thom would have some in his place...probably he would be home already.

But at the same second I thought about seeing Thom now, Barry's picture appeared in front of my eyes and so I didn't turn into Thom's direction.

I knew Barry would understand me perfectly. Better than my best friend would ever be able to understand this kind of heartache.

As I turned my back towards Mike's place I knew that it really was over now.

It was as if a knot in my chest had dissolved.

It would all be good now.

Mike could be happy again. And Barry was there for me now.

And now I knew I loved him with all my heart.

The End.

19.09.2009


End file.
